Have you ever found yourself checking your phone incessantly, waiting for a text back from your partner, desperately trying to quell that internal angst? 

Or perhaps you’ve noticed an urge to be around them just a little too often, a little too intensely? 

This magnetic pull, while often stemming from a place of love, can sometimes tip into the realm of clinginess - a term that carries its own weight in a romantic relationship.

While it’s normal to want to spend time with your partner or get a loving text from them at night, becoming overly dependent on them is where the line between healthy affection and clinginess can sometimes blur.

In relationships, being labeled as "clingy" can feel like a harsh critique. It's a term that can lead to a lot of misunderstanding, largely because there is no universal way to define it. What is considered clingy by one partner may be welcome attention to another. 

So, what does it really mean to be a clingy person? 

The Meaning of Clingy in a Relationship

In romantic relationships, being described as a clingy person can carry a strong stigma - it’s a term steeped in negative connotations.

At the core, clingy behavior is more a pattern of intense behaviors, rather than any one single thing. 

A clingy partner often wants constant attention, they don’t like personal time away from you and usually can be found excessively calling or texting when they’re not with you.

Clingy people constantly seek reassurance because they’re plagued with persistent doubt about their partner’s feelings.

Clingy partners really struggle when you set healthy boundaries for personal space often resulting in intense jealousy and emotional outbursts.

A clingy boyfriend or girlfriend often distorts all the best parts of healthy relationships (intimacy, affection, and emotional closeness) and pushes them to the extremes.

Jared and Emma’s Story - A Practical Exploration of “Clingy” in a Relationship…

Emma first met Jared at a mutual friend's game night. He was quick with jokes, and his laughter was even quicker, infectious really. They hit it off over rounds of charades and a shared love for indie music, which somehow made it easy to chat the night away. Jared was attentive in a way that felt refreshing - he remembered her favorite drink and was a chivalrous gentleman all night.

In those early days, their dates were full of spontaneous movie nights and long walks through the city, often ending with them talking all through the night until dawn. Emma enjoyed his company - the way he made her laugh and the excitement of getting to know someone who seemed so genuinely interested in her world.

As weeks turned into months, their casual meet-ups grew into something more serious. Jared started referring to Emma as his girlfriend, and she was happy with the label. He was charming and considerate, always texting to check if she got home safely or if she needed anything when she was sick.

However, as their relationship deepened, Emma began noticing a shift in Jared’s behavior. It started small: Jared texting more frequently, asking continuously about her day and her thoughts. At first, Emma found his attentiveness and excessive communication sweet, a sign of his caring nature. But gradually, his messages became more persistent and his need for her immediate response grew urgent.

He started expressing discomfort when she made plans without him, even if it was just a coffee catch-up with a colleague or a quick visit to her sister. His jokes about her spending too much time at work turned into serious conversations about how much time they should spend together. He needed constant reassurance of her commitment and feelings for him, convinced she would eventually abandon him and pursue other relationships.

Emma noticed that Jared didn’t take "alone time" well. He’d often ask to tag along on her errands or suggest they do everything together, from grocery shopping to gym sessions - he didn’t appear to have his own interests anymore. Whenever she brought up the need for some personal space, Jared seemed hurt and confused, as if the concept was entirely alien to him. 

This change was subtle at first but soon became impossible to ignore. What started as a beautiful connection was now beginning to morph into a highly insecure attachment, and Emma felt torn between her affection for Jared and her growing concern over their relationship’s dynamics.

The Origin of Clingy Behavior

The causes of clingy behavior in relationships can vary widely, stemming from deep-seated emotional issues to learned patterns of interaction. These behaviors often originate from a mix of past trauma, fears of abandonment, and underlying insecurities that manifest as a need for constant reassurance and closeness in romantic settings.

Jared’s Backstory…

Growing up, I was often told that boys don’t cry or show weakness. My family valued strength and stoicism, so I learned not to show emotion from an early age and bottled things up. My dad was a military man, often deployed in the Middle East for long periods - I felt physically abandoned and was too young to understand. I was always imagining the worst case scenarios, terrified he was never coming back. I remember pestering my mom all the time about when he would return.

My mom’s mental health took strain with my dad’s long absences and she was under immense stress looking after me and my two siblings alone. She was exhausted and worried and my need for constant reassurance about my dad started to wear her out where she would retreat into herself. This emotional and physical distance from her made me feel less loved and deeply affected my self-worth, something I’ve carried with me to adulthood. 

I was the middle child, always feeling overshadowed by my high-achieving siblings. I put on a facade of confidence and charisma, hoping to win my mom’s approval and the emotional support I craved. I didn’t.

When I went to college, I had my first romantic relationship. Things with Amanda got serious quickly and I was crushed when I found out she was cheating on me with someone else. This betrayal, along with my already low self-esteem, sent my mental health to an all-time low. 

As much as it took Emma by surprise, Jared's clingy behaviors didn’t emerge out of nowhere. They were the result of a complex interplay of past experiences and deep-seated fears, many of which he himself didn’t fully understand.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the common causes of clingy behaviors…

Suppression of Emotions

When emotions are consistently suppressed, they don't disappear. They often surface in other ways, including clinginess in relationships. People who've learned to bottle up their feelings might struggle to communicate openly with a romantic partner and instead seek constant validation. 

Anxiety

Anxiety in relationships can manifest as an overwhelming fear of losing your partner, leading to clingy behavior. This might include constant texting, controlling behavior, like an excessive need to know where your partner is at all times or reluctance to spend time apart. It's often driven by worry over the relationship's stability or your partner's feelings.

Low Self Esteem

Low self-esteem can make individuals doubt their worth in a relationship, pushing them to seek more attention and validation than might be healthy. This over-reliance can strain relationships and erode personal growth and independence.

Insecurity

Lack of self-worth can drive people to overcompensate by obsessively looking for confirmation of their significant other’s commitment and interest and leads to clinginess in relationships. 

Intense Fear of Abandonment and Rejection

This fear can be paralyzing, leading to behaviors that attempt to prevent what they most dread - being left alone. People with a strong fear of abandonment might cling tightly to their partners, believing that constant closeness can ward off potential rejection or betrayal. Unfortunately, this often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy resulting in the very isolation they fear.

Past Trauma 

Past traumas related to abandonment or instability can set the groundwork for clinginess in relationships. Those who have experienced significant emotional upheavals or loss might develop a heightened sensitivity to relationship cues, perceiving threats where none exist. 

The Role of Attachment Theory in Clingy Behavior

The attachment system consists of 4 main styles of relating which govern how people behave in their relationships with significant others. Attachment theory suggests that the emotional bonds a child develops with their caregivers can significantly influence their future romantic relationships. 

People with an anxious attachment style often have experienced inconsistent levels of emotional support during their early years. Those with an anxious attachment style frequently seek excessive reassurance and fear abandonment, which can manifest as clinginess in their romantic partnerships. 

Conversely, a secure attachment style, formed from consistent and reliable caregiving, leads to healthier, more balanced relationship dynamics where people feel secure enough to enjoy both closeness and independence. 

Understanding the different attachment styles gives us insights into why some people become clingy in their relationships. When a romantic partner expresses a desire for personal boundaries, people with anxious attachment styles can feel extremely threatened and insecure.

Understanding Jared’s Behavior Within the Attachment System…

Of all the attachment styles, Jared has the anxious style. Growing up, he always felt a bit on edge about his family's situation and he grew up feeling like he couldn't be sure about when or if he’d get the attention, love, and validation he needed, which has stuck with him.

When Jared started dating, this anxious attachment style really came to the forefront - he's often worried about being too much or not enough, and he overcompensates by trying to be super involved in everything. He doesn’t understand why Emma might want to keep some interests separate and really feels hurt when she insists on personal boundaries. It's not that he wants to smother her, he just feels extremely insecure when there is too much physical space. He started exhibiting clingy behavior trying to make sure everything with Emma was solid so he wouldn’t have to feel that abandonment again.

Signs You Have a Clingy Partner

These are the most common clingy traits:

• Constantly checking their phone for messages or calls when you're not together 

• Obsessively monitoring your activity on social media accounts

• Getting upset or anxious if you don't reply quickly to their texts or calls

• Wanting to spend all their time with you, often at the expense of their own hobbies or friendships

• Frequently asking for reassurance about your feelings for them

• Showing discomfort or jealousy when you spend time with other people, even family or friends

• Insisting on accompanying you to events or outings where it’s not necessary

• Overly interested in your whereabouts and activities

• Making you feel guilty for taking time for yourself

• Dealing with your partner’s moods when you change plans or suggest time alone

• Discouraging you from pursuing interests that don’t involve them

• Constant need for physical closeness beyond what is typical for a healthy relationship

How to Deal With a Clingy Partner

Addressing clinginess is a delicate process as Emma learned first-hand…

Initially, I tried to brush off my discomfort, thinking it was just his way of showing love. But as time went on, his constant need for reassurance and his overbearing presence started to feel suffocating.

Realizing that we needed a better way to communicate, I suggested we start using the Waffle shared journal. It was a game changer. This app allowed us to express our feelings honestly and read each other’s entries in our own time, which helped Jared see my perspective without immediate pressure. It significantly boosted his self-esteem, as he could revisit my words of love and reassurance whenever he felt doubtful. Waffle also helped us build greater emotional intimacy by communicating honestly about our deepest feelings and desires.

Encouraging Jared to engage in hobbies independently was another key step. I suggested activities we both used to enjoy separately before we started dating, hoping he’d reconnect with his own interests and friends. Gradually, he began spending time at the gym again and even resumed weekly meet-ups with his poker club.

I made it a point to reinforce the moments when Jared showed trust and gave me space. Positive reinforcement really helped him see that our relationship grew stronger when we both maintained our individuality. Over time, these small acknowledgments helped him feel more secure and built up his self-esteem.

Sometimes, I had to be firm about my boundaries, like when I planned a weekend away with my sister. Jared was initially anxious, but I reassured him while maintaining my need for personal time. I kept in touch during the trip, and made sure to continue with our daily Waffle habit, but at the same time I made sure he understood that spending time apart was normal and healthy for us.

Through all of this, I learned that dealing with a clingy partner isn't about pushing them away but helping them find security within themselves and trust in the relationship. It's a delicate balance, but with open communication, clear boundaries, and tools like the Waffle shared journal, it’s definitely manageable.

How Does Clingy Behavior Affect Romantic Relationships

Clingy relationships often lead to a cycle of dependency that stifles both partners. When one person constantly demands attention and reassurance, it can lead to feelings of suffocation and loss of personal space for the other. Over time, this erodes the initial joy and ease of the relationship, replacing it with a sense of obligation and fatigue. Partners of clingy people may find themselves withdrawing emotionally, simply to regain some sense of autonomy.

Moreover, clinginess often amplifies insecurities within the relationship. A clingy partner may constantly question the other’s commitment and feelings, leading to frequent misunderstandings and conflicts. This can place a heavy burden on communication, making every interaction seem like a reassurance session rather than a meaningful exchange. Over time, the relationship can become overshadowed by the need to continuously address the clingy partner’s emotional needs, leaving little room for growth or deepening of the connection.

In the long term, if not addressed, clingy behavior can destabilize the foundation of trust and respect in a relationship. It can prevent both partners from experiencing a healthy, balanced love where both independence and intimacy coexist. 

How to Stop Acting Clingy

Jared really wanted to be a good partner to Emma and make her happy. Here’s how he tried to deal with his clinginess.

Realizing that my clinginess was putting a strain on our relationship, I decided it was time to address it head-on. I started by seeking help from a mental health professional, who opened my eyes to a new perspective - time apart doesn’t weaken our relationship, it enhances personal growth and, by extension, the strength of our bond. This was a game changer for me, as it shifted my view from fear to appreciation of our individual pursuits.

The Waffle journal Emma and I share has become something I value deeply. Writing down my thoughts and seeing Emma’s empathic responses filled with kindness and encouragement really boosted my self-worth. It helped me believe in her love and commitment, even when we weren't physically together. Her patience and determination to work through things with me made a huge difference.

Besides therapy and the journal, I took up meditation to better manage my anxieties. It provided me with the tools to stay calm and centered, even when my instinct was to reach out incessantly. I also made a conscious effort to reconnect with old friends and dive back into hobbies I'd neglected. Rediscovering these parts of my life not only gave Emma space but made me a more rounded person who was less reliant on her for my happiness.

Are Clingy Relationships Good or Is Clinging Behavior a Red Flag?

People have different definitions of clingy, meaning that this is not a one-size-fits-all concept. Whether clingy behavior is a red flag or acceptable in a relationship largely depends on the individuals involved and their mutual perceptions of what constitutes healthy intimacy.

It's important to recognize that while occasional clingy tendencies might be harmless and even endearing in certain contexts, when such behavior becomes a constant pattern that restricts personal freedom and emotional growth, it may be considered a red flag. 

Conclusion

So, is “clingy” cute or crippling - you decide?