When it comes to sexual pleasure, the only limit is your imagination!

This is a nice idea in theory, but when it comes to communicating your deepest sexual desires out loud to your partner, most people feel uncomfortable and don’t go through with it. Especially when the sexual acts we are most turned on by, fall outside of what is deemed socially acceptable.

But what if you could express these fantasies and act on them in a safe way to achieve the orgasmic chaos you’ve only imagined? What effect might that have on your relationship? 

Intrigued? Read on….

In recent years aspects of BDSM have seen a surge in popularity - the fetish industry has grown, role playing during sex is becoming more common and in general there is more openness surrounding these kinky forms of sexual expression.

What is it about being told something is taboo that makes you want it all the more? 

The perception that something is risky or dangerous adds that extra adrenaline rush that increases arousal exponentially. Rebelliously breaking down sex taboos with a consenting partner can be hugely empowering and can lead to a deeper connection when both parties feel free to express their sex fantasies without fear of judgment.

What Is The CNC Kink?

CNC stands for consensual non consent. It is a type of role playing scenario within BDSM play where the parties involved engage in a scene that would be non consensual in real life, however each person has given their prior consent to participate in the sexual kinks being acted out.

Typically, when a CNC scene involves 2 people, one partner is the top or dominant (dom) and one partner is the bottom or submissive (sub). Each assumes their role in the agreed upon activities of the CNC play scene. A switch is a person who can assume either role.

Debunking The CNC Kink Myths

There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding consensual non consent and this is largely due to the misinformation that it is only about violence. In practice CNC kink fantasies are about more than just sexual aggression. 

🚫 CNC is a form of rape or sexual assault

While one of the most common CNC role plays is the rape fantasy, the reality is that both parties are consenting adults who have agreed to the rape play scene. There is clear communication prior to the CNC scene about boundaries and what is and isn’t allowed and so is very different from actual rape where the victim is overpowered and forced into non consensual sex against their will. 

🚫 Rape is the only form of consensual non consent CNC kink

The truth is that BDSM play under the consensual non consent umbrella can take on many different forms. Engaging in rape roleplay is just one example. 

Other common consensual non consent CNC roleplay scenes include:

• Kidnapping

• Somnophilia/Dormaphilia

• Blackmail

• Forced Orgasm

• Interrogation

However, forums like Reddit and Quora are full of people looking to engage in CNC roleplay to overcome fears with desire, for example, food aversions or an extreme needle fear are also acted out within the boundaries of roleplay. 

🚫 The consensual non consent kink trivializes sexual trauma

Many victims of sexual assault are actually drawn to CNC role play as a way to make sense of what has happened to them and willingly engage in rape fantasies as a way to regain the power and control that was forcibly taken from them during their sexual assault. 

🚫 The CNC kink promotes unhealthy gender stereotypes

In the patriarchal society we have all grown up in, it’s easy to assume that CNC play involves a dominant male and a submissive female. The reality is that the consensual non consent kink is enjoyed in same sex relationships as well as heterosexual ones and women assume the dominant role just as often.

🚫 CNC play only benefits the person in the dominant power role

The irony behind this myth is that it's the submissive who holds all the power because in the BDSM community there are strict rules around safe words that dictate that sexual activity must stop when someone uses their safe word. Most partners will respect this although consent violations do happen.

Is The CNC Kink Normal?

Normal should be a taboo word!

What happens in a bedroom between two or more consenting partners in a healthy exploration of their sexuality should never be labeled abnormal.

Making CNC kink fantasies normal and a healthy way to explore different aspects of your sexuality is especially important for women who have been culturally repressed for decades and led into feelings of guilt and shame over having and initiating their sexual desires. 

Historically, females have been labeled as promiscuous in a society that does not encourage a woman to be overtly sexual. A psychological construct put forward to explain why so many women have a rape fantasy is the theory of sexual blame avoidance. A woman who fantasizes about experiencing gratification from forced sex does not have to feel guilty because she did not consent to the sexual encounter. Admitting that you enjoy sex with a partner (or partners) and that you actively seek sexual satisfaction has in the past resulted in a woman being called derogatory names like “slut” and “whore”. Being healthily in tune with your sexual needs is nothing to be ashamed of.

The Pain-Pleasure Link

If someone just walks up to you and pulls your hair it hurts, so why does hair pulling feel so pleasurable when engaging in sexual activity? Turns out that your brain gives off chemicals when aroused that suppress feelings of pain. It explains why when you rake your nails down your partner's back or bite a shoulder in the throes of passion, it’s not felt until afterwards - when the endorphin surge is over.

It seems counterintuitive that pain sometimes feels good, but it’s one of those weird and mystifying universal truths. If you look into the biology behind BDSM kinks it quickly becomes clear that this fetish makes a lot of sense. Pain and pleasure are so deeply related that they stimulate the same areas of the brain when studied on an MRI. 

BDSM can be thought of as a ‘sexual extreme sport’ where you push the boundaries and limits of your body through this dual neural connection to revel in the euphoric feelings from the excess endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline hits fuelling your orgasm. It’s a triple whammy!

Consent Is At The Heart of The CNC Kink

The central idea underpinning all BDSM play is consent. The sexual activity that takes place in a scene is ALWAYS consensual sex.

The types of play you and your partner (or partners) are going to be engaging in is always clearly communicated prior to the act as well as any boundaries or hard limits you may have. 

Clear communication can be facilitated through using a shared journal app like Waffle to record limits and boundaries as well as an outline of what each of the parties expect from the role play. 

Consent Violation

While rare, this does happen when one of the parties does not respect the CNC boundaries and engages in a non consensual act. This can be hugely emotional for the person being violated and can lead to mental health issues if it happens repeatedly. This is why it’s so important to only engage in CNC practices with partners you trust explicitly.

How To Navigate The CNC Kink Safely

The BDSM space has outlined a number of “best practices” for engaging in fetish, CNC, roleplay or kinks safely. Because some activities can be dangerous or lead to emotional trauma, the rules do not seek to control your experience but rather to enhance the enjoyment experienced by all partners.

Safewords

Prior to engaging in any consensual activities you must have an agreed upon safe word. Safe words are especially important in CNC because you are pushing the boundaries and limits of human tolerance into the realm of pain. A sub has to be able to effectively communicate when they are unable to take any more. 

Typically BDSM safe words follow the traffic light system. 

• ‘Green’ is a go-word which means a sub is enjoying what you are doing and wants more.

• ‘Yellow’ is a slow word that means the sub is reaching their limit and is a warning that they cannot tolerate much more. 

• ‘Red’ is the ultimate safe word - it means STOP NOW!

While these are the most common safe words, you really can agree on anything you want so long as the words are mutually understood. “No” and “Stop” aren’t good safe words as the nature of CNC play rests on non consent in the scene and therefore you would most likely be using these words as part of the roleplay. 

Whatever your safe word is, it needs to be something that isn’t related to the role you’re playing, like “penguin”, and it cannot be a word that could be misunderstood, for example, “mustard” could be mistaken for “master”.

Contracts

It’s a really good idea to draw up a CNC contract that outlines each person’s role, the consensual activities you agree on as well as each person’s boundary/ies. While this doesn’t sound particularly sexy, it’s an important step to protect both partners and ensure everyone is on the same page. 

After Care

Communication around what happens afterwards is essential - after the rush of endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline wears off, it’s possible that you or your partner may feel emotional, so mapping out the care you’d like afterwards is vital to cementing trust and building intimacy for future kinky fun.

This can take the form of a verbal chat, it can be included in your contract or for a more intimate type of communication it can be written in a journal app where you can explore your feelings and emotions in a safe shared space. 

TOP TIPS FOR SUCCESS

• Start Slow - For couples just starting out, it’s best to start slow. It’s far easier to add more and build up to more intense scenes in the future, than it is to rebuild broken trust and the lost sense of safety from a scene gone too far too fast. 

• Avoid Substances - Do not engage in consensual kinks when you’re under the influence of drugs or alcohol. While it might seem like a good idea, especially if you’re nervous, it can lead to lower inhibitions and consenting to things in the moment that you’re not comfortable with. In order to remain in control of the situation whether you’re a dom or a sub, you should be sober.

Benefits Of The CNC Kink

The nature of this kink is power dynamics and exploring the extremes of this. Relinquishing control and being fully vulnerable with your partner in a dominant role requires a HUGE amount of trust. And not abusing this trust in the dominant role builds intimacy. 

For couples in a long term relationship or in a marriage where vanilla sex has grown stale and unfulfilling this can be an exciting way to spice things up and heighten arousal levels provided both parties are on board. 

Moreover, the shared secret of something so deliciously naughty between you and your significant other that nobody else knows about can provide a level of connection that is deeply rewarding.

What To Do If Your Partner Isn’t Into CNC

The important thing here is open lines of communication. If you have broached the idea of CNC kinks with your significant other and they have shut you down, the best thing you can do is patiently explore the issue with them. There is so much misinformation out there that it may simply be that they are afraid or have been negatively influenced by the stigma surrounding alternative sex practices as a whole. 

Shared journaling on Waffle is a great way to start the conversation of consensual non consent with your partner and talk about your feelings around it - both positive and negative. 

Consulting a sex positive couples therapist is another great way to overcome resistance around being more sexually adventurous. Often there is a lot of shame and guilt around feeling aroused by CNC themes and there may also be deep-seated limiting beliefs that need to be unraveled in order to fully surrender to a kink - a therapist can help guide couples towards greater sexual liberation.

To begin, start exploring milder themes like being blindfolded, light bondage, sex toys, anal games, gentle biting, and spanking, before working your way up to more hardcore activities and props. Trust is at the core of any kinky play so NEVER EVER push your partner past their stated limit. 

Last Thoughts

The kinkoverse is a big erotic playground and there are many fun ways to play in it!  

Dipping your toe into the realm of fear, danger, and pain is an exciting way to add an erotic element to your sex life. There is no right or wrong way to have sexual fantasies so long as consent is at the forefront.