Have you ever wondered how some couples seem to have a secret language? They’re laughing before the punchline and one look communicates an entire conversation. It’s like they’ve cracked the code to each other’s souls. 

Welcome to the world of emotional intimacy! 

Building emotional intimacy isn't just about finishing each other's sentences or knowing what your partner will order at a restaurant before they do. It's about building a foundation of trust and understanding that supports not just the easy moments, but the challenging ones as well.

If you want to develop that with your romantic partner, keep reading - no magic wand or mind reading required!

What is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy refers to the deep connection that’s formed when two people share their innermost feelings, thoughts and experiences with each other in a completely open way without fear of judgment. Rather than being a fixed attribute, emotional intimacy exists on a continuum. It can fluctuate and evolve over time, influenced by the depth of understanding and acceptance shared between you and your partner. Emotional intimacy means there is a high level of mutual trust and safety to be vulnerable in the relationship. 

Why is Emotional Intimacy Important?

Relationships are not easy to navigate - there are many layers that need to click for you to have a healthy relationship. Emotional intimacy is the glue that binds all these intricate layers together so that each partner feels seen, heard, understood and supported. 

This emotional bond is not just important for the feelings of acceptance and love it provides, but it’s the thing that buffers a couple against the inevitable challenges that come with a busy life. No matter what life throws at you, you know you can return to a supportive cocoon at the end of the day. 

A lack of emotional intimacy is a core problem in many relationships. Without a foundation of closeness, partners in long term relationships may start to feel lonely, isolated, and disconnected and the result is often turbulent conflicts born from misunderstanding. Greater emotional intimacy is about building resilient relationships where both people can grow and develop individually and still come together as one. Without this deeper connection your relationship is not likely to go the distance.

The Benefits of Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship

Emotional intimacy has so many benefits and they are all interlinked. Let’s take a look:

Better Communication - when you are emotionally intimate with someone you feel safe enough to share your thoughts and feelings honestly. When you communicate openly, there is less room for misunderstanding and in turn less disagreements, arguments and fights. When you talk and listen deeply to your significant other’s deepest thoughts, it’s only natural to feel close. Delia says that journaling with her partner has helped to improve their communication and they understand each other better as a result. 

A Satisfying Sex Life - sexual intimacy is a physical expression of your deep emotional bond. When you feel so interconnected with someone it can lead to incredibly intense and mind-blowing sex which in turn strengthens your relationship.

Greater Empathy - empathy is a core component of intimacy with your partner. When partners share a deep bond, they can sense each other's feelings and perspectives. This deep understanding allows them to respond to one another's needs and emotions with sensitivity and care. Empathy is the way you build trust and intimacy within a relationship.

A Feeling of Overall Happiness and Well Being - experiencing emotional intimacy with your partner often results in a sense of joy and fulfillment that permeates all other aspects of your life. The love glow is a real thing!

Physical Intimacy VS Emotional Intimacy

So many couples get this confused and it’s relationship 101 - sex does not equal love. Sexual intimacy can happen independently of any kind of emotional connection and just be about physical release, however, when you sprinkle in some emotional vulnerability and connection, the sex can be off the charts!

When you are deeply connected on all levels, couples find they’re able to be more sexually adventurous because they trust each other completely and feel safe sharing their sexual dreams, desires and fantasies.

On the flip side, without emotional intimacy, even the most technically proficient love making ability can leave you feeling kind of empty because it lacks true closeness. In essence, building emotional intimacy is a sure fire way to spice things up in the bedroom!

Why is Emotional Intimacy So Hard to Achieve?

Emotional intimacy sounds like a no-brainer, right? Who wouldn’t want a relationship underscored with this soul connection - after all, “soul mates” is a term often held up as the gold standard for relationship success.

So why then is it so often not the case?

Well, truthfully, being deeply emotionally intimate with someone is quite tough to pull off - it takes a lot of work and dedication and some couples just don’t get there. 

Why? 

One of the biggest obstacles is that to create emotional intimacy with someone at such a deep level, you’ve got to really know and understand yourself. That means getting comfortable with all the messy, wonderful, and sometimes scary emotions you carry around. And for most people, the thought of unpacking all that in front of someone else is nothing short of terrifying!

You know that dream where you’re naked in front of a crowd of people - well, it’s like that only you’re awake and it’s real. Being so vulnerable with someone and showing them all the not-so-pretty parts of you ignites your fears that the other person might not stick around when they see the real you and so you clam up.

But the problem is that eventually a relationship moves to a place where you’re all in or you’re not - the ones willing to risk feeling vulnerable are the ones who make it and progress on to marriage while the other couples break up and repeat this cycle over and over.

What Does Emotional Intimacy Look Like in a Relationship?

Here are the signs that you’re nailing emotional intimacy:

Shared Vulnerability: You're at ease discussing personal worries or secrets, feeling secure that your partner will listen and respond empathically when you talk.

You Feel Supported: There’s a comforting sense that someone is always in your corner, ready to offer support. You know you have a go-to person in times of need.

Non-Judgmental Listening: You have confidence that your thoughts and feelings are received with open ears and an open heart. Deanna says she uses the Waffle journal to express herself fully with her boyfriend without judgment.

Open Communication about Concerns and Fears: Issues in your relationship can be addressed and resolved openly and without fear.

Sharing Life’s Roller Coaster: Both the good and the bad moments are shared, knowing your partner is fully engaged and cares. There is genuine curiosity and interest in the details of each other’s lives.

Mutual Feelings of Deep Care: There’s mutual affection (PDA’s galore!) and you know the other person loves you. You don’t feel insecure about their commitment to you and your relationship.

You’re Friends: You genuinely enjoy just spending time together. Conversation flows naturally, ranging from light-hearted banter to profound exchanges. It’s easy to be around them and you’re comfortable together even in silence.

Focused Attention: You instinctively focus on the other person without the distraction of phones, TV, or other people. Time together is quality time. In a social setting, you’re the couple who can’t keep their eyes (or hands) off each other.

Conflict is Handled Constructively: When disagreements or differences arise you deal with them together and respectfully, with both of you actively working towards a compromise. Alisha says that she uses a shared journal with her partner when they’re upset and can’t seem to communicate with each other. This shows how much they value each other and their relationship to find a way to talk about hard things respectfully.

If Your Relationship Looks Like This, You Probably Don’t Have an Emotionally Intimate Relationship

If your relationship feels more like this, you might need to put in some work to build emotional intimacy:

Surface-Level Conversations: If your chats mostly revolve around the day-to-day and never dip into deeper emotional territories, it’s a sign you’re not experiencing emotional intimacy. Conversation doesn’t flow naturally and you find yourself constantly trying to think of what to say next.

Feeling Isolated and Lonely in Your Relationship: When you’re together, if it still feels like you’re alone or unsupported, that’s a red flag that the emotional undercurrent isn’t flowing.

Communication Problems: If you find yourself holding back thoughts or feelings out of fear of judgment or dismissal, it indicates you don’t feel safe enough to share vulnerable things with your partner.

Unaddressed Issues Piling Up: When problems aren’t openly discussed and just keep stacking up, it’s a sign that communication isn't just stifled - it's blocked.

Lack of Reciprocal Interest: If your conversations are one-sided, or your partner shows little interest in you, or doesn’t actively seek to know the details of your day it suggests emotional distance.

Frequent Distractions During Together Time: Constant attention to phones, screens, or other distractions when you’re together can be a sign your partner is emotionally distant.

Resolving Conflicts with Difficulty: Struggling to resolve disagreements in a constructive way, or avoiding conflict altogether, can indicate a lack of partnership in tackling issues head-on.

Uncertainty: Constantly feeling unsure of where you stand with the other person or where your relationship is going (and being too scared to ask) is not a sign of a deep emotional connection.

Frequent Disappointments: Regular feelings of being hurt or letdown by your partner. They’re just not there for you when you need them.

How to Build Emotional Intimacy With Your Partner

Building intimacy is a skill and like any other it needs practice to perfect. But here’s the kicker - both partners have to show vulnerability and courage. You won't build emotional intimacy if only one person is baring their soul - this needs to be mutual. However, the good news is that getting an emotional education can be really fun - it’s not all deep soulful talks and raw emotions.

Here’s some ideas to try if you want to build emotional intimacy:

Regular Check-ins - Dedicate time each week to sit down and discuss how you're both feeling about the relationship and life in general. This can be a structured "How are we doing?" session or a more general chat. For those couples new to emotional intimacy a great way to start getting comfortable with closing the emotional distance is to use a shared journal. This gives you time to really think about how you feel and how to respond to your partner’s feelings without being put on the spot.

Shared Hobbies: Taking up a new hobby together is a fun way to build intimacy with your partner. Whether it's cooking classes, hiking, or photography, spending time doing shared activities can create a lot of laughter and core relationship memories. Recording these memories in a shared space like the Waffle journal gives you a tangible record of your love to look back on. Endryval loves taking these trips down memory lane with her partner.

Story Sharing: Spend time sharing stories from your past and really listen to the other person while they’re telling them. This could be childhood memories, teenage years, or significant life events that shaped who you are or just funny stories. It’s a great way to understand each other’s roots and values while forging a deeper connection. 

Dream Discussions: Have regular discussions about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. This isn’t just about future planning with the person you’re with but also about understanding each other's desires for life and supporting them. Autri says she uses the Waffle journal with her boyfriend to make lists of all the things they want to do together as a couple. Having a couples bucket list is such a fun way to keep the spark alive and work towards shared goals and dreams.

Couples’ Retreats: Occasionally, go on a retreat or a weekend getaway just to reconnect away from the everyday hustle. Changing the environment can bring a new perspective to relationships and works a charm to build emotional intimacy.

(and let’s be honest - you’re not likely to feel emotionally distant after a naughty weekend away spent soaking each other up for 48 hours uninterrupted). 

Fun Challenges: Engage in fun challenges or games that you can do together, like a puzzle, a sexy scavenger hunt, or even video games that require teamwork. Or choose a cause that you’re both passionate about and enjoy volunteering together.

Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness activities together, such as yoga or meditation. These practices can improve your emotional synchrony and create a calm space to build emotional intimacy. As you get more comfortable you could even explore tantric sexual practices to really cement your relationship’s intimate well being and take things to new heights of spiritual pleasure.

Love Letters: Write love letters expressing your feelings and appreciation for your partner and leave them in unexpected places for the other person to find. Or leave sticky notes with words of affirmation, genuine compliments or even sexy messages to keep the spark alive. These romantic surprises can evoke a massive rush of love and helps to keep intimacy strong. James uses the Waffle journal with his wife to send positive affirmations back and forth and it’s helped them feel closer as a couple.

Date Nights with a Twist: Regular date nights are fun, but you could have an emotional intimacy date night once a month. You could write these 50 questions that build emotional intimacy onto cards and put them in a bowl and once a month each of you chooses a random question for you both to answer and see where the night takes you. These are also great questions to answer in a shared journal like Waffle to really get to know your partner in a meaningful and deep way. Lamia says this has really helped her know what makes her partner tick and it's brought them closer as a couple.

Barriers to Emotional Intimacy 

Sometimes your partner may really want to connect with you but they need to first work through the personal barriers that impede their ability to have emotional intimacy in relationships. Let’s look at some common hurdles to intimacy:

Childhood Experiences 

Your early experiences in life really set the stage for how you learn to relate to others. Children who felt unloved growing up often guard their hearts as adults and may find it hard to communicate openly with a partner.

Past Trauma 

Trauma can often trigger hyper-independence, where people cope by becoming overly self-reliant, distancing themselves emotionally as a defense mechanism. This intense need for autonomy can make it challenging to open up and depend on a partner, blocking the path to true intimacy and leaving little room for shared vulnerability.

Attachment Style

Your attachment style, shaped early in life, plays a huge role in your adult relationships. Those with avoidant or anxious attachments might find it particularly challenging to establish or maintain deep emotional connections.

Poor Communication Skills 

Without the tools to express feelings effectively, building intimacy is like trying to assemble a puzzle without all the pieces. Poor communicators can often misrepresent their needs, leading to misunderstandings and conflict with a partner.

External Pressures and Stress

Life’s daily grind can really take a toll on emotional intimacy. Work stress, social obligations, and the constant buzz of technology can leave little room for quiet, quality connection with your partner. When you're both always busy or distracted, it's tough to find the time and energy to connect on a deeper level. 

Getting Professional Support to Rebuild Lost Intimacy

Sometimes, the spark and sizzle in a long-term relationship or marriage can fizzle out, leaving you more like roommates than the romantic partners you once were. If you find yourself starting to feel angry or disconnected with your long term partner or spouse, it might be time to bring in some professional help. Reaching out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in emotional intimacy can give you the tools to rekindle that lost spark in an environment that is structured to explore your feelings in a safe way. They can help you navigate the complex emotional roller coaster that marriage is and help you overcome the barriers that are keeping you apart.

Final Thoughts

Emotional intimacy is the ultimate trust fall - exciting and terrifying all at once! Are you ready to fall?